i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
