I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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