I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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