he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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