What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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