how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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