I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
