the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
