I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sext me about skeletons
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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