Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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