no, he came in my armpit
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
