Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
