i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
