Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
