Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
