I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
