do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
