I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
