:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sext me about skeletons
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
