My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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