So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
