Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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