Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
