Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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