ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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