If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This baby is an asshole
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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