My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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