I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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