Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
