im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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