i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
