A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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