while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
