onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
