Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
