I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
