Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
