I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
