apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
