I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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