The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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