I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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