After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
