theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
