I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
