I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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