Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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