Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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