When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
