Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
