Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize