Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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