i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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