you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
