every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
