Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
