If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
