I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
