god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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