So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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