I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
