I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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