Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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