I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
