I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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