is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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