I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
