I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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