i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
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