you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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