This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
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