I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
