You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
